“Can I see your I.D.”

I roll my eyes internally, and sometimes outwardly, when asked that question.

“I am 25 going on 26, can’t you tell!”

But this post isn’t about how young lookin’ I am on the outside and how young actin’ I be on the inside.

It’s about the important lessons I’ve learned in my early 20’s; many I am still working on as I head toward them late twenties. 

  1. Some lessons are bigger than a person or the people involved. Give yourself time to heal from what makes us all human, but remember, the Universe/God uses people and situations to guide you. It is not right to hate or hold on to interpersonal anger. It is also not wrong to distance yourself from points of stress. But, let go of hate and let go of anger, and work to understand things outside of bodily experiences.
  2. Keep your childhood and/or college friends, they are love and moments you will never forget, but don’t be afraid to form one or two quality adult friendships with people who share your value/moral scale and who make you a priority. 
  3. Live honestly. Tell yourself the truth and be earnest with the people you encounter in this life.
  4. You will make mistakes, maybe even some big ones. Forgive yourself. The people around you will make mistakes, maybe even some big ones. Forgive them. Secondly, pay attention to how people in your life react and treat you when you do make mistakes. From there, decide how to proceed with them. There are people out there who will want to use your mistakes to write a negative narrative. There are people out there who will not forgive your mistakes. There are people out there who may never want to forgive you. Learn to be okay with that. Life is so much more than the mistakes we make, and that old saying about learning from them applies. 
  5. Set professional boundaries for yourself and don’t let anyone guilt you for it. At this stage in life, you are probably working to fulfill someone else’s dreams; you have dreams too — learn to leave work at work; log off your work email when you’re home; come up with a way to decompress before you get home; demand better pay; speak up for yourself when you’re treated like shit; bring down the patriarchy and white feminism!! — sorry, got carried away. Anyway, I’m not trying to get anyone fired out here, so do this responsibly.
  6. Therapy! Growing up in a Haitian household, I learned that no one deserves to know my family’s business. As much as I think discretion has a place, it’s not to be used when sitting on someone’s couch who you are paying to help you heal. Therapy can be expensive and depending on your health plan, it might not be feasible. In that case, find someone who you trust to be honest with you to speak with on a regular basis. Maybe it’s your favorite aunt who you call on the drive home from work. Maybe it’s your mama. Maybe it’s boyfriend number 2 who knows how to drop that philosophical knowledge.
  7. Know thyself (Delphi Ruins). I’ll share a short anecdote for this one. Someone once told me that I have no concept of privacy. It was a way for them to bully me in a conversation where that statement was unnecessary, but I wasn’t hurt because I know myself. I hold very few things private, purposely. The things I keep private usually have to do with other people’s business, but I generally feel comfortable openly sharing of myself. If I had not known myself enough to be comfortable with that truth, it could have made an already painful week in my life even more painful, but it did not because I know myself and that is a part of myself that I am comfortable with. In knowing yourself, it is important to accept that not everyone will love all aspects of who you are; that’s okay. 
  8. Choose love over loyalty. I learned this early in my 20’s and it’s an easier lesson for me because I am a natural critic. You will learn that human beings crave allegiance, we want loyalty, but loyalty can be dangerous. Hold close people who aren’t here to blindly support you but will be honest with you because they love you. Hold close people who will disagree with you but lovingly. Hold close people who know your faults but who will not belittle you.
  9. Educate yourself. You don’t know everything, no one does, so remain open to learning. I’m not only talking about classroom learning.
  10. Have a financial plan. My cat is sitting on her perch laughing at me as I write this rule because she sees me stressin’ about finances at least twice a month when I do a version of budgeting that ain’t really budgeting. In all seriousness, this lesson is my greatest challenge, but I am doing number 9 to help me get to a place where I have a solid financial plan.
  11. Learn a few legal things. Not every contract or agreement put in front of you is legit, know the difference and if you don’t, rely on friends who do to help guide you.
  12. Don’t settle for sub-par sex. Sex should be like eating ice cream. There are so many flavors, colors, tastes, cone sizes, textures — ice cream purists, don’t debate me on this, I like my ice cream melting soft, it’s a thing. This lesson is especially important for women because sex positivity is not encouraged in our culture. Anyway, you don’t have to settle for a lame who don’t know how to get in the mane, nah mean. And a secondary lesson, it doesn’t matter if the sex is heavenly if they treat you like crap. You are a freaken gawd, don’t be out here with sub-humans who don’t know how to return texts or calls. Thirdly, don’t be a crazy person and out here sending six paragraph text messages cuz the ice cream put you in coma — you gon’ be alright!
  13. Some people are assholes; you don’t have to be an asshole so don’t be an asshole. And if you ever are an asshole, own it and apologize.  
  14. You might not save the world, but you can change it. This TED talk says it all: https://youtu.be/JH6FBwbqxUA ((you better come back and finish reading this whole dag-on post!))
  15. Failing does not make you a failure, it makes you a scientist! Not exactly, but failing is not the end. When you fail, you learn. Remember that time when the hip-pop, rappin’ group Girls Time didn’t win that boring ass show… 25 or so years later, we got Beychella. I use this analogy because it’s important to Beyonce between the failures. Yes, I used Beyonce as a verb! Don’t sit here and gloat when you fail, figure out what led to the failure and determine how you can be better then repeat as many times necessary.
  16. Learn to be silent. I talk a lot so this is especially for the talkers… learn to be silent. You might not be right about everything you think you are right about, so be silent and observe every once in awhile. Of course, don’t use this lesson at the expense of using your voice or if it makes you feel small to be silent.
  17. Be.Be you,
    the truest version of you
    Filters are meant for Instagram,
    not the sound of your beautiful heartbeat
    You are a marching band,
    when your feet hit the ground pavement waves
    Find your rhythm,
    through the smiles and tears there’s a truth
    It is you.
  18. Support your friends and colleagues. It’s great to love Beyonce and attend every single show, but it’s also great to support your friend with the budding poetry, art, music, interior design, travel, etc… career.
  19. Take care of your health. Diabetes and high cholesterol run in my family, so I am taking better care of my health. As much as I would love to look like Teyana Taylor, I’m cool with my extra bootie and stretch marks as long as I am living a healthier life. Start small, right. Don’t overwhelm yourself. For me, this meant picking up an informational booklet on diabetes and cooking foods that combat the onset. It also means walking or jogging a couple times a week and doing weird little blood flow exercises in my apartment. I use to be so hardcore with my insanity and extreme fitness exercises, so I constantly need to remind myself to not set crazy expectations because it’s discouraging for me. Refer to number 7, know yourself enough to know what works for you.
  20. Be love, be peace, be whatever the heck you want to be!

Celebrate my birthday by reading my books: goo.gl/oE72rh

PC: Kaila Skeet Browning


Why are you sleeping on our doorstep?

Florida Housing Coalition President Jaimie Ross recently published an article in The Miami Herald where she cited shocking evidence from Enterprise Community Partners.

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Image from The Miami Herald

According to Ross, “36 percent of renters” in South Florida “spend more than half their income on rent” (Miami Herald). In my work with PACT (People Acting for Community Together), I have found that there are families paying up to 70 percent of their income just on rent. That is tragic.

When families pay 50-70 percent of their income just on housing, what do they have left for medical expenses, childcare, car payments, and groceries. Is it moral that we live in a world where “hundreds of senior [citizens have to sleep] in their cars just to get on a waiting list for a chance to apply for an affordable place to live” (Miami Herald). How can we expect our students to succeed when thousands are left homeless in South Florida. It is unacceptable and immoral that anyone is homeless, especially because we live in a country of abundance.

Back in September of this year, Pope Francis visited the United States of North America. It was a miraculous trip! He was actually able to unite Republicans and Democrats, though momentarily. To say the least, Pope Francis had everyone drinking right out of his water cup–that statement is more literal for some.

Pope Francis left a lasting impact for many reasons, but his treatment of the homeless was most striking. According to Religious News, the Pope dined with America’s forgotten, and he called for serious policy change, because:

“We can find no social or moral justification, no justification whatsoever, for lack of housing… we know that God is suffering with us, experiencing them at our side. He does not abandon us.”

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Image from Religious News

There is no moral justification for homelessness, and I’d like to add that there is no justifiable reason why anyone should be paying more than 30 percent of their income on housing, which is the percentage the Federal Government recommends.

This last Saturday, the weekend of Art Basel, when Miami-Dade was buzzing with people and capitalism, I spent 20 minutes discussing homelessness with Benjamin Bethea.

Benjamin Bethea waving from his home, my office doorstep.

I heard about the 57-year old before I ever met him. [There’s a homeless man who sometimes sleeps in our yard if we leave the gate open], I was told when I started my job in January. In my early months, I never saw a homeless man in our yard, but around March I started to notice a man on the front steps of the office downstairs. We share our office with DART (Direct Action and Research Training), the network that PACT is a member of. He never bothered me, and I felt no reason to fear him. In truth, on nights when I left the office passed 9:00PM, I was thankful for Benjamin–I felt safer knowing he was there.

It was not until May that I began to have small talk with Benjamin, often asking if he needs anything, and getting a polite no. When we first spoke, I noticed that his voice is strained. Questions about his health, how he became homeless, where his family is, and whether or not he is mentally stable continued to present themselves.

How did Benjamin end up homeless 

“Some troubles, some things—I got involved with some people and some things happened. I was doing very good. I always kept a job, but I got tied up in some things and I lost a job. I use to work for Miami-Dade water department.”

Some troubles, some things. Was he addicted to drugs? Did he go to Jail? Benjamin worked for Miami-Dade for two years, had good benefits–what sort of troubles messed that up?

What sort of troubles  

Benjamin spent the first 18 years of his life living with his mother in Brownsville, an area somewhere between Liberty City and Hialeah, both located in Miami-Dade, Florida. Upon becoming an adult, he found his own apartment where he lived with a girlfriend, but troubles soon came.

“Doing stuff, drugs—you know. Not only that, but I was dealing and it messed up my job.” 

Around 21, Benjamin started smoking and dealing Marijuana. He dealt drugs for 10 years before everything came crashing down. A decade is quite the career for a drug dealer, but Benjamin managed because he knew a lot of people and had connections with people who trusted him.

“I went to Camp Belle Glade in Palm Beach. They close it down now. They use to shoot movies and everything in the prison, but it’s over now. Thank God I learned my lesson. 

Thank God I learned my lesson 

Throughout our conversation, Benjamin thanked God for the life he now has. He will turn 58 on December 27th and shows no signs of illness. Earlier, I mentioned that Benjamin has a strained voice. A few years back, he had surgery to remove a tumor that formed because of the many years he spent smoking cigarettes.

I want to go back to something Benjamin said about prison, “thank God I learned my lesson.” Prison is meant to be a corrective experience. Benjamin even talked about receiving a “life skill” class before he returned to society after his two-year sentence. However, upon release he found it difficult to re-adjust.

“When you got a record, it knocks your ability–the opportunity for a job.”

Let me remind you, Benjamin went to prison for selling Marijuana, an experience many black men have had because of unfair policy. He luckily only served two years, but he grew up in a time when black men men got 10, 20, or even 25 years for charges affiliated with Marijuana. Nonetheless, he was in the wrong, he did something illegal and served his time. He came out of Belle Glade a changed man.

Despite having paid his debt to society, Benjamin hasn’t lived in stable housing for 30 years. Our doorstep has been the place he calls home for many years now. He spoke with excitement when he described having known the neighborhood.

“Another guy–we use to hang out, before they open the paint store there that was a lawyer office. I knew the lawyer office before they remodeled it. They use to have a porch. Before they made it a paint store, it was a lawyer’s office—I use to clean up. I been in this area for over 20 something years. Everybody know me, I’m cool with everybody. 

What is next for Benjamin 

I worry about what is next for Benjamin. I worry because the PACT and DART offices are moving. Our neighborhood is on Biscayne, an area of the county that is going up in value as Miami-Dade continues to face gentrification. PACT is a small non-for-profit and as South Florida continues to mark the charts as one of the most unaffordable areas in the states, my organization can no longer afford to operate in such a hot-shot location. So, I worry about what will happen to Benjamin if our building is knocked down and replaced with a multi-million dollar condo. He assured me that he will be fine, he always is, and God is on his side.

Benjamin just got a new job and estimates that he will be able to afford a residence for $400.00 per month.

“Like the people that do landscaping and garden fancy houses. They got all types of pearl stones. My job is—it’s 40 pounds—the people order by the pound—but it’s a 40 pound bag. I make the 40-pound bag and I seal it, I seal it with the machine.”

Final words from Benjamin

Our interview was cut a couple minutes short as Benjamin began to experience a coughing fit, something I imagine happened from straining his voice talking. However, before we ended, I asked him what he would say to his younger self and whether or not he is happy.

If Benjamin were a time traveler, he would tell his younger self to:

“Be a real man, stay strong, and use your head. A real man is standing up to your responsibility. Being strong is to carry on–to keep going–don’t let what is no good for you come next to you.”

I wondered if I would come off rude asking a homeless man if he were happy, but I asked anyway:

“No, but I am happy I am still alive, you know and I can breathe. Some people didn’t make it. Some people—I am sick—but I say thank God it’s not a pain. Some people are sick and they are suffering from pain. I praise him for all that.

Benjamin is not happy, but he is grateful. In his solemn thankfulness, he left me with some words that are all too ironic for a man who has already served his time for sins committed in his youth, wrongs he has served over three decades paying the consequences for.

“It’s the end. My day has come. The judgement. Justice is coming to serve me.” 

Justice is coming… I can only pray that righteousness looks like Pope Francis’ treatment of the homeless.