If

If I had you as my own, I’d love you like
the moon kisses the sun day after day
I’d sprinkle compliments on your pillow
and drown your bath water in beauty

If I had you as my own, every song on
the radio would be your favorite and I’d
know just what to play when your face
creases in that way I don’t like and I’d
know the right beats to match your
Saturday night hip

If I had you as my own, I’d love you
honestly—without chains and
these daydreams would end in late
night kisses by your side.

Written by: Flose Marie Yardley Boursiquot

unfinished

today, i talked about you using two words I have used before, though cautiously.

love and soulmate.

i was apprehensive because of what comes with those two words. a flooding gate of feelings, expectations, hopes, dreams…

i don’t use them with those things in mind.

i love you. i wish to differentiate that from being in love with you, but i think those nuances don’t exist. God has placed something in my heart that becomes real when i am in your presence and i recognize that.

i think you are my soulmate. i’ve gotten into many discussions with people about ‘the one.’ i hear there’s this idea that there is only one someone out there made to fit every part of our being. i don’t agree with that. you are someone who moves me. you move me to think differently. you have influenced decisions in my life. i have thought about you in important moments. i feel complete in your presence. and i am certain the moments we have shared will continue to shape me.

i can’t predict what sort of affair we could have. i can assume it would be intense and filled with love, because that’s what our relationship to this day has led me to believe. but i don’t know that.

in loving you—in accepting you—in respecting you, i have learned that there are things in this world i am not meant to understand. because of that, i am trusting in God more.

i write you this letter unsure of where your head and your heart find solace, but confident in the place that i am today. i’ve written to you before. in those moments i thought i figured something out, discovered the secret recipe to what you are supposed to mean or be in my life. then months come and go and i realize there is no such thing.

you are no big mystery or hidden key. you are, like me, a human being (a soul) journeying this world. we are walking dust who, when we cross paths, become enmeshed. we’ve experienced entanglement in the physical form, but also in ways that are more complicated. i love you simply for that.

when i think about the implications of our exchanges, i wonder if there are things to be ashamed of. i realize i know the answer to that. you are comfort (friendship) and that comes with no barriers. i’ve found it alright to be open with you and only pray that you find the same in me.

i’ve found it incredibly difficult to be your friend without the two words above. i think that’s okay. forgive me for now as i continue to grow in love with myself.